A general overview of some of my inital ideas, thoughts and research for the direction of my final project:

–        Identities as non-spaces? Equating masks I might use to spaces such as car parks- the masks changing into their own beings as the sense of self disintegrates?

–        Identities as being part of/reflected in an environment i.e. the bedroom – and the idea of the inside and the outside being linked- trapped within them as we’re trapped within our own bodies and experiences- the fear of being alone and the need to be recognised – liminal spaces -such as those that should be busy but are devoid of people as a reflection of the experience of isolation and loss/lack of self and identity – No Exit – Jean-Paul Satre – progressing to objects losing their meaning and the ability to recognise them becoming more difficult

–        The myth of Sisyphus and the absurd, empty rituals, looking for answers in the wrong places, cyclical patterns of behaviour, being unable to find the solution to ‘life’ and who you are as a person – the idea of being ‘stuck’ as a repeating motif- Steyerl’s spam – advertising-

–        The threat emanating from inside – the difficulty and fear the protagonist is experiencing is generated by the protagonist but by extension also the wider world as they are one and the same. The idea of something important having been forgotten and a constant sense of doom – linked to anxiety perhaps- the gas left on, a ground floor window left open etc, the protagonist constantly having lost and been looking for *something*

–        The concept of the house appearing more ‘alive’ / threatening as the film progresses – the idea of haunting – the protagonist is haunting the space – lights being switched off to signify a lack of awareness on the part of the protagonist – or loss of a memory?

–        Lack of control of the mind being linked to disconnection and ill health in the body – as the house and objects become more sentient and gain autonomy- this is reflected in the protagonist having issues physically – eating, sleeping, physical symptoms of illness etc – looking more like the house?

–        The protagonist reacting to signs of the house being haunted by pretty much ignoring it- cleaning mysterious handprints off the windows – etc – reflection for the protagonists denial over their worsening mental state

The Bedroom is a focal point for this idea. For me personally, the bedroom is the only place so far in my life where I have felt a sense of ownership over a space and security. As a result when I’m going through difficult or confusing feelings it’s the place where I isolate myself from the outside world as a place to try and deal with them. In many ways my bedroom has in the past and still does feel like the true boundaries of my experience with and understanding of the world. When my mental health worsens my connection with outside life and other people shrinks and all that seems to exist or matter to me becomes constricted to only that space and those four walls around me. The bedroom is the place I eat, sleep, work, have fun and fall apart emotionally. As anxiety increases the environment outside my window suddenly shifts from a place of opportunity and excitement to one that seems alien and dangerous, I fear leaving my own space for anything.

As well as this I’ve come to view my bedroom as a reflection of my mental state and whether I’m coping and succeeding or failing as a person. When I’m struggling to keep track of myself and my life my bedroom becomes a minefield. Layers of rubbish, clothes, mouldy plates and abandoned attempts at making work surround me. It feels like you’re buried in your own inability to look after yourself as an adult and complete the tasks or fulfil the expectations of you set by your society. It’s a constant reminder that you’re struggling and a reflection of the things you dislike most about yourself. It’s inescapable.

When these elements are combined with a sense of disconnect from reality and your sense of self it can create the experience that yourself and the space around you are one and the same, one entity or whole. The boarders of your physical body and identity become blurred and the objects surrounding you feel just as much a part of your understanding of yourself as a person that they feel one and a same. When I’m detached and attempting to escape my own mental experience the area around me and my body seem to disappear, they don’t exist to me and as a result I don’t really see them. When I’m present in myself as an individual it feels like I’m in conversation with my surroundings. The washing basket holds my grudge as I resent my own self hygiene failings and the discomfort and shame this is causing me. The disappearance of the carpet under layers of rubbish carries with it the emotions of my own overwhelm, frustration and hopelessness. The rest of the house becomes a place that feels unwelcoming and I’m constantly monitoring the sounds there for signs of a danger that feels real but poses no physical threat. The photos on the wall hold my guilt and anger at struggling to remember my loved ones and my love for them in moments where I lose myself and the dread that one day, I may not be able to come back to myself and regain them. Memories and relationships feel to me like smoke that I cannot guarantee retaining and cold pass through my grasp and be lost forever. I think potentially throughout this project I’d like to explore more the concept of ego death and having a changing and unstable sense of self.

I’m hoping I can find a way to capture these experiences and ideas through film and using the bedroom and the objects within it as a device to communicate this. I have many inspirations I would like to draw from in attempting to achieve this goal. Internet phycological horror series such as this house has people in it and films such as Room and Get out. I’m also heavily interested in body horror and its links to the LGBTQ2+ and gender queer experience. YouTube videos such as Abigail Thorn’s piece on suicide, Bo Burnham’s inside and many more. I want to research film techniques in terms of conveying emotion through colour, light and sound as well as poetic symbolism so I can incorporate these into my experiments. I’m not yet sure what method of filming I would like to use. Up until this point I have been relying on and using simply my computer webcam. I’m in too minds about continuing to use this method as I feel a proper film camera and better equipment would help make any effects, I might want to incorporate clearer and easier for the audience to pick up on. However, something about the idea of using grainy webcam footage for all of it has quite a visceral feel to me and I think it could create more of a feeling of isolation and ‘shouting into the void’ which reflects a lot of what I experience during these times. There’s a clunky, inelegant and inexperienced element to it that I think relates to the struggle of navigating and understanding the world.

In addition to this self and outside perception of ourselves is a continuous theme in my work. The layers of ideology, social standards and expectations and how to present behind identity and sense of self as well as how we interact with and conceptualise the world and society as a result greatly interests me. Understanding gender norms, traditions, beliefs and social standards has been difficult for me and I’ve encountered my internalized biases and learned truths about myself, and others have materialised mentally in unexpected ways that still have a continues impact on my experience. In past work I have tried to make these self-perceptions, specifically the ones that don’t feel like they have originated from me but instead the messages I took in as a child, physical in some way, for example through my mask making or photography. I think it could potentially be interesting to introduce these as characters within the project, but I am not completely decided on this as a plot/communication device.

I intend to include puppets and physical props out of objects within and relating to my bedroom. Turning the space and the objects around it into something that is responsive in my own voice to show the relationships, connections and understandings that would otherwise be internal and invisible. I think a specific focus on ‘functional’ objects would work well, such as socks, hygiene products, workbooks, calendars etc., as there are what I interact with most and have the most representation and symbolism for me in terms of having difficulties completing daily tasks and thus for me generally illicit a more powerful and emotional relationship and response.

It’s important to me that the relationship between the version of myself in this project and the people around me is made clear as this is where I feel the strongest emotions towards this topic. Generational trauma, need for connection and acceptance, fear for those you love and your future as well as the impact of personal difficulties on others is a big part of my motivation and draw to projects like these. Sharing experiences and stories of personal struggles that I hope other people might relate to or see part of themselves in means a great deal to me. I struggled to communicate and feel understood when I was younger and as a result there is a drive within me to describe and open up these feelings and topics in order to make myself visible to a world that didn’t seems to have much in common with my understanding or experience of it. Further to this, having discovered I’m not alone in this and in many ways despite the huge variation certain human experiences are almost universal have helped bring great comfort and self-acceptance to my life and I feel an obligation to continue the conversation and to try to do the same, if I am at all able, for others.

There is also a political element I feel needs to be addressed. Lack of understanding and harmful rhetoric, representations, ideologies have massive impacts on those who don’t fit certain societal ideals. I feel visibility and raising some of the impacts of these issues can have on people is incredibly necessary and although I can only relay my own individualised experience, the more voices added to this conversation and the more communication between each other about these topics the more they can be examined and questioned.

Influential and inspirational works:

Internet horror

·        This house has people in it

·        Daisy Brown

·        POSTcontent

Films

·        Get Out

·        Room

Plays

·        No exit – Jean-Paul Sartre

·        MURMURES DES MURS

·        Le Cirque invisible de Victoria Chaplin et Jean Baptiste Thierrée

Music

·        Everywhere at the end of time

YouTube

·        Clark Elieson – The Horror of Having a Body – looking more into their description of Jouissance – the magic mountain?

·        Inspiring passage from the end of the video: I’m a big believer in the Paradox of existentialism. That the despair we feel from our existence can itself be the main inspiration for an untouchable happiness. Paraphrasing Man’s own words about his novel. In The Magic Mountain, Hans … comes to conclude, quite in line with his progression as a character, that one must make the existential encounter with sickness and death in the body, in order to end up healthier and more sane than before. To love deeper. But we’ve never really made that encounter if all we’ve ever done is try to escape it. ‘He who knows the body, who knows life, also knows death…’. Hans declares in the most magical of the book’s chapters. ‘’You have to hold it up to the other half, to it’s opposite… Because our interest in death and illness is nothing but a way of expressing an interest in life.’’ The novel ends with the bleak bullet rain and trenched thunder of World War one. Hans is sent to the front lines and the sanatorium closes. There can be no further healing in a world suddenly bent on it’s irrational end. But as we visit him for the last time and watch him splay himself in the muck while bombs blast in front of him. We find him singing of love. Unlike Londis and unlike Mikalash. Faced with what is more than likely his own death, Hans keeps courage with his resounding ‘Yes’ to life in the body. Out of this worldwide festival of death, this ugly running fever that inflames the rainy evening sky all around. Will love someday rise up out of this too. If it hasn’t yet become the prerogative of others to welcome the body and its insight, then perhaps the responsibility has fallen to you and I. The next time you feel a twinge of disgust at fiction or reality, listen to the song of life it sings and feel what it’s like to be alive.’ – Linked strongly with thoughts reflected by the myth of Sisyphus.

·        Clark Elieson – Fear of forgetting – this video speaks on dementia and Alzheimer’s, featuring music from Everything at the end of time and I found it an interesting insight into why that album and this topic speaks to me so deeply. Many of the symptoms described as being related to early onset dementia are incredibly like those I’ve experienced during my childhood and now adulthood as a result of ADHD. I have a difficult relationship with my memory as a result and for want of a better word in many ways my feelings towards it have resembled mourning. I have a deep terror of forgetting myself and those I love as a result, as it feels like something entirely plausible from past experiences. I’ve found my deficits in processing and memory incredibly scary and confusing throughout my life and it’s something that’s difficult to put into words. My focus on identity and perception is heavily interlinked with what I’ve experienced because of this, and I believe it’s the reason behind why I’m so drawn to the topic. This loss of self and past and the emotions that stem from it is one of the central themes of this project. Forgetting and losing my grip of myself, my identity and reality is most likely my deepest fear and yet it’s something I find myself facing constantly as my issues with memory and sense of self are omnipresent in my lived experience. I think it would be beneficial to break down these symptoms individually as a way to explore how best to incorporate them into the film.

-Interesting passage from this video: ‘Merlot Pontian scholar Glenn Mazis explains that depth, the fight between the past and present world for what something will signify, is not constituted of say, separate reds (example from video). One for the dress, one for the graduation gown, the desert rock etc. No, he says that the red perceived is precisely this play of significances. Depth explains how the mind shuffles meaning but it also describes how that meaning is stored. The world absorbs the significances of our memories and experiences. Every individual instance of a door is one of many doors and has the power to remind us of the others. In this way every object is a symbol with a reference to itself as much as it is a symbol for the totality of its existence as a concept. Both of these symbols are actually two sides of the same coin though. A name. There are two different theories on how names work. One of them, descriptivism, states that names operate according to a description of the object. So if I call something a tiger, I mean something that is a large, four-legged cat with orange and black stripes. Saul Kripke, in his book, naming and necessity, disagrees with this theory. He points out that if we were to take a lion and cosmetically alter it so that it fit every description of a tiger, it wouldn’t suddenly be accurate to refer to it as a tiger. The main concern behind Kripke’s theory, anti-descriptivism, is finding what makes an object the same object even if all of it’s descriptive features have changed. The answer he provides is that the name takes precedence. Naming something is what identifies it, not describing it. The philosopher Slavov Zizek has explored some of the interesting implications behind this idea. For one thing, he points out that what anti-descriptivism shows us, though it doesn’t know it, is that it is actually the name itself which creates an identity. Objects need a name to recognise themselves and that’s especially true of people. If a name is what tethers an object to it’s identity throughout it’s many changes, then there must be something in the name which represents that object better than the object itself possibly could. A self-referential symbol. Because names radically represent objects this way, they also capture that unattainable something which is in that object more than any given version of it. A redness more red than any particular red. This is how language establishes its connection to depth. Words also enact a play of significances. The word red could refer to any shade of red. Anything that is red. All of it grasping at that unattainable redness. A name unites this given field. Ties it together into a knot of meaning. Freud displayed this ability of language with his practice of free association. It was common for him to ask his patients to respond to a prompt with the first word that came to mind. Doing so would assist in therapy by revealing the patient’s experiences, their memories and where there is memory, there’s depth. But how to explain the dreaded moment in which a loved one with dementia fails to recognise you. Anti-descriptivism also shows us that without the proper signifier, a name or understanding of the object itself is lost. Without a name, loved ones become enigmas. We can’t tell who they are. What we’re left with are only descriptions. A list of attributes sourced from a fading memory. Kripke does not tell us that descriptions cease to be descriptions. Only that they are not enough to identify an object the way a name is. Is this inadequacy of description not displayed best of all when someone with dementia calls you someone else’s name? Maybe it was the name of one of your parents or a relative. You likely satisfied some part of their description but that is not who you are.’…

The caretaker – Everything at the end of time – ‘The albums each correspond to one of the stages of Alzheimer’s and could be summarised by one word – Daydream, Denial, Reality, Rupture, Horror and [untitled]. Every stage is accompanied by detailed description and track names. Both of which are essential to understanding the emotions that accompany the disease. For example, the tracks ‘glimpses of hope in trying times’, ‘denial unravelling’ and ‘surrendering to despair’, tell their own story beyond just the music. The genius of Everywhere at the End of Time is how the music it samples and the memories those samples represent are used. Certain tunes slowly dissipate into unrecognisable silhouettes and after a certain point, even when we cannot describe the music playing amidst the confusion, some people have still been able to name the samples flipping in and out. But knowing they’re there does not mean that we can recognise them. That they aren’t lost amidst the pandemonium. Out of the many effects Kirby uses to depict the distortion of memory. The most common one is a kind of vinyl static. It echoes explosively in your skull. But static has a dual meaning. It refers to this hissing we associate with the grime lodges into the grooves of aged vinyl records just as much as it does a complete absence of movement. I’ve always thought the combination of these two definitions was rather unsettling… The end of the project is genuinely incomprehensible. Even though it was all made from pre-existing records, I can’t even tell what instruments they’re playing at the end here. And then, we’re met with a horrible silence.’

–        The clock test for Alzheimer’s

–        ‘The covers to everywhere at the end of time remind me, as they do others, of the last self portraits of artist William Utermolin before he died from Alzheimer’s. They document six years out of his eleven-year decline. The series ended when he could barely commit his pencil to paper. But his raw portrayal of Alzheimer’s didn’t begin with these self-portraits. The early signs of his dementia can perhaps be read in an earlier collection of art he called The Conversation Pieces. They were a mostly biographical set of artworks, celebrating the life he shared with his wife and the warm companionship of his friends. I get an odd feeling when I look at these paintings though. A subtle sense that there’s something wrong. I feel in the artist’s shifting perceptions of space, objects and people. All of which may be hints towards the disease that would later take his life.’

–        Continuing throughout the rest of this video as it’s all brilliant and very insightful.

Art Pieces

·        Ruth Ewan – We could have been anything we wanted to be (red version 2011) Tate: ‘Ewan’s decimal clock divides each day into ten hours, each hour into 100 minutes and each minute into 100 seconds. The clock references a real attempt to recalibrate the day along decimal lines. In 1793, the new Republic of France adopted a decimal calendar. It became the official calendar of France for the next 13 years.’ Ruth Ewan: ‘The clock is a small echo of a bold historic attempt to redefine and rationalise the day…As the ancient regime was ripped up and reordered, time itself was dismantled.’

Repeating motifs?

·        ‘the nothing’ – doorways, entrances, exits and windows replaced by a wall resembling one from the bedroom – using the colour cream to connect back to this. + Clock hands getting stuck on a second – moving back and forth

Concepts and ideas:

·        Having the characters representing different concepts and threats being undone in different ways or deconstructed throughout the story

·        Calendars with one month that continues forever. What month did we move in with John/maybe met him?

·        Clocks that read as times that don’t exist or time skips/jumps that don’t make sense. Chunks of time missing/distorted in some way – How does time work/not work in this universe?

·        Food? – depicting struggles with eating and ability to check in with physical experiences such as hunger. Food that appears off or incorrect in some way (ranging in subtlety) i.e. sock puppet meal. Spaghetti made from socks. Needing to eat but feeling ill/uncomfortable during the process. Forcing it down anyway? A changing relationship with food from one of comfort and sustenance to something alien or unsafe. Perhaps conflating different coping mechanisms with one another to signify that they are being used in the same way or for the same thing. An example being using food as a comfort and a way to self sooth and using self harm. Depicting this shift and correlating the two could be done through having the protagonists view and understanding of their body change. Taking a scoop out of their face in front on the mirror like it’s ice cream ect? Would it work well to pick a specific comfort food such as ice cream in this way to clarify the point. i.e. depicting the relationship with ice cream as one of escape, piece and calm – a sensory experience to focus on in order to override distressing thoughts and feelings. Having the appearance of the ice cream in universe changing – maybe seeming more like mash potato initially or failing to work anymore as an emotional coping strategy and from there on having the protagonist interact with their body in a similar way to how they were initially using the comfort food. Auto-cannibalistic nature of self-harm– ‘the nourishment of the self through the destruction of the self’ – Philosophy Tube.

·        Having a smaller version of the room to film with/depicting the room as a box with nothing existing outside of it – gradual build up to this with initial scenes in other parts of the house graduating to only the room and then the room itself appearing to shrink over time?

·        The phone and interactions with it. Potential to explore anxiety and self-isolation as well as having voices from the outside. How do these conversations change? Is the protagonist interpreting the person’s tone/voice changing as their mental state and perceptions of the environment and others shift? Could it be that the person on the other end is sounding further and further away – this could be an interesting set up for a contrasting/ ‘break through’ in terms of a specifically emotional and impactful conversation after the calls up until that point have been seeming more and more disconnected and disjointed. – What triggers the phone to ring? Alternatively, having all advertisements, voices and understandings bar perhaps a couple being the protagonists own. Advertisements reflect the characters own fears, hangups and internalised concepts. With advertisements referring to ‘the nothing’ carrying the protagonists own regurgitated version of outside influences and messaging.

·        Appearance of protagonist changing over time to reflect difficulties taking care of themselves and their bodies – could use appearance as a way to signify the individuals mental state or perceptions of themselves and the world on any given ‘day’. – physical symptoms of trouble within the mind and the horror of having a body. i.e. rashes, illness, physical ailments as manifestations of mental ones.

·        Objects in the room changing/looking different/wrong in some way to signify a switch in the ability to recognise, process and understand surroundings – derealisation and how best to portray it?

·        Meaningless/nonsensical tasks and expectations for a routine- for example a morning routine with alternate and absurd steps – looking and how tasks and actions lose their meaning and seem abstract and arbitrary.

·        On the effects of ‘the nothing’ to be hinted at and then revealed later after the protagonist becomes consumed by it. Having versions of the protagonist from childhood and other versions of themselves present in the house but not acknowledged or explained. Perhaps hinted at as being other housemates initially but unacknowledged or seen by the protagonist or anyone else in the story. Could have humorous interactions, for example a young child shown briefly playing in the corridor and then having the protagonist trip over something in that same area but assuming they’d just tripped over their own feet. In my mind currently this suggestion of others would be resolved at the end of the film. After the protagonist has been harrowed by ‘the nothing’ having them wake up suddenly unaffected or incumbered as if the world has been reset and they have little memory of it. Then showing as they leave and go about their day that the most recent version of themselves is still lying under the bed like a dead body. Could even have this be shown through the protagonist going to put something away under there – for example the box of used vapes- and them moving this body as if it’s just part of storage and they don’t see it. Hinting at the experience of ego death or the mind shutting off that version of itself in an act of protection. The unacknowledged individuals in the house depicting other instances where this has happened, and the protagonist’s mind and mental state have become so overwhelmed that the brain has ‘reset’ itself- leaving them behind. Could perhaps foreshadow this through the dead vapes where the protagonist has held on to the used devices. This would also link to ‘the nothing’ stopping time when it’s present in some way as well as creating walls where there shouldn’t be as the main version of the character becomes more and more walled off within their own mind. The fear experienced by the protagonist around this happening perhaps being connected to that loss of memories and parts of themselves that are important to them due to their own mind struggling to cope with reality. Perhaps in this way there could be objects associated with and belonging to those other versions of themselves that are shown with those individuals but not recognised by the protagonist if they encounter those objects. Despite the premise displaying that those objects were at one point incredibly important to them. It might be that the sock puppet character in the story becomes something the protagonist finds and questions as something unfamiliar after this happens, despite that character interacting with them continuously throughout the story up until that point. Alternatively, instead of having the ‘new’ protagonist interacting with this ‘body’ at all. Have them shown after they’ve left the house in the ‘happy ending’ through the young child coming into the room as speaking to them as they lie under the bed. Maybe with the child introducing themselves as Elsie as inviting them to come out, reaching for their hand. It could be interesting, although not necessary, after this version to show actual childhood footage of myself in the times the other versions originate from.

·        Note on the sock puppet character as potentially relating to kitty and how she was used by my childhood self to speak and interact with the world for me.

·        What would the symbolism behind cleaning be in this world?

·        Concept idea for the scene where ‘the nothing’ has full control- Protagonist is hiding under bed out of fear of unknown danger – the room, which has been seeming smaller and the walls that have been encroaching on the house up until this point begin to converge on the protagonist under the bed. This shifts for them into finding themselves within a box type space where all sides have the appearance of the bedroom walls. The protagonist screams – tip from adverts = don’t start screaming in case you can’t stop – and reacts in horror and despair at the situation they’ve found themselves in. Mourning the realisation that nothing about what is happening to them makes any sense. This moment continues for a little while as they are caught up in the terrible nature of the situation. They’ve lost touch with themselves and reality completely. Suddenly they are dragged by their leg from one side of the box to the other by an invisible force causing them to become hysterical, holding the walls for safety (in reality, this is them being pulled out from under the bed by someone although they are unaware of this). At this point the walls of the box begin to push in as if something is squeezing and constricting them from the outside. The illusion of their solidity shattering as they move into the character in a cushion-like manner. At this point as the protagonist is screaming, they hear a hushing and a familiar voice reassuring them and exclaiming ‘it’s me’ as the protagonist fights against the walls. The protagonist answers in a child’s voice, unlike their own, telling this person what is happening to them and that they are being crushed. The voice reply’s that they we’re dreaming, and the pressure is their arms wrapped around them. (Nanny’s arms). At this point the screaming stops and the protagonist relaxes into the comforting feeling of the pressure around them and the new safety and relief it represents. The box room dissolving into the protagonist as a child in their nan’s embrace as the bed covers, they had been hiding under are pulled away. The child begins explaining that it felt so real and that they had their eyes open as their Nan calms them, repeating that it was just a nightmare until Nan’s face starts to shift to resemble the wallpaper and the protagonist finds themselves back in the confines of the constricting box room, panicking and calling for their Nan to come back, the child’s voice shifting back to their own as an adult. The voice that replies is different, perhaps Theo? Telling the protagonist that they’re here and they have them and it’s going to be okay. At this point there are the distant sounds of other voices discussing what on earth was happening and what they should do. There’s a suggestion that they call someone, and the walls of the room return to their original positions before a phone appears in midair. The voice on the other end of the phone (either mother or brother) has a conversation with them, speaking to them about their own experiences and letting the protagonist know they can make it through the way they feel in that moment and that if they can just hold on then it will pass. As this call progresses, the space around the phone begins to emerge out from it in a circle, replacing the walls of the box room and bringing the person sitting in front of the protagonist and holding the phone into focus as well as the people hovering at the door in concern. At this point, intensely relieved and overjoyed by this sight the protagonist begins touching this other person, making sure they’re real before hugging them. The scene cuts to the protagonist and the person with them clearing the space of all the rubbish and clutter as if cleansing the experience away. From this point forward would be where the suggestion that the person who came back from that room wasn’t the same one that we had been with throughout the story and that their mind seems almost to have been wiped of most of the details of what had happened. They fail to recognise the sock puppet, maybe make light of the situation, laughing and thankful to be there but having switched uncannily quickly in the way they’re interacting with and perceiving the world around them in such a grounded and positive manner. As they’re preparing to leave through the front door and walking outside for the first time in a long time a conversation plays over the footage. It’s the sock puppet having a conversation with the old protagonist about whether this new Elsie remembers them and wondering why they’re still there while this other self continues – as the body still under the bed and the sock puppet are shown. The child walks into the room as this conversation comes towards a natural conclusion and discovers the new person under the bed, asking why they’re there. The protagonist reply’s that they were hiding and the child, delighted then decides this must be hide and seek and asks who’s counting. To which the protagonist pauses, appearing bemused and answers that nobody is, seeming pleasantly surprised at this realisation. The child asks again what they’re hiding under the bed for then and the protagonist reply’s that they don’t know before beginning to laugh at the absurdity of the events that have transpired, the child joining in, before the protagonists laughter starts threatening to become tears. Surprised and concerned by this change the child tells them not to be upset and that it’s okay and they’d play hide and seek with the protagonist if they’d like. The protagonist, seeming comforted and touched by this then asks if they really mean it before reaching for the outstretched hand being offered by the child. Scene concept ends.

·        What is the ‘boulder’ in this story?

·        What harmful tropes and narratives to avoid – harm reduction and addressing problems of romanticisation and dangerous messages – having two angles to every idea or understanding?

·        The Monstrous feminine – monsters and moralisations- in studio practice- perhaps through stories from the sock puppet – exploring ideas of aspects of the human experience that have been moralised and medicalised. Having the sock puppet influence the protagonist through their own concepts of what makes a person monstrous and impure. Taking actions and ascribing meaning to them in a way that reflects negatively on the character of the person performing them but having these actions be things generally considered normal, natural and harmless in current society. The enforcement of grand narratives and myths as truths. Subverting the protagonists own self understanding and the elements of themselves they consciously or subconsciously interpret as monstrous or harmful. Exploring ideas relating to an existence of a ‘shadow self’ and how much of the perceived darkness of certain elements of ourselves and the shame attached to them are unfounded or based on a falsely imposed morality. The theory of the monstrous feminine and an argument for how fear of the unknown (due in part to poor representation) and ways of living that threaten the beliefs and implied norms of current patriarchal systems cause these lives to be represented as monstrous and unnatural.

·        Cut outs – William Burroughs – using this to illustrate the nature of different ideas, concepts and rhetoric being internalised into a person’s identity – looking at this in terms of the loss of the self – scrambling those ideas, understandings and symbols to the point where they lose their sense and meaning and perhaps through that revealing the arbitrary, absurd and non-sensical nature of their original forms – word salad – Steyerl’s concept of spam – the illogical nature of the systems and interpretations of the world that we anchor our conceptualisations of our own selves to – and through using these arbitrary categories, symbols and messages our identities become fragile in their susceptibility to be challenged, undermined and in that way unravelled – taking our sense of self, perception of reality, beliefs and motivations with them – an idea to explore through studio practise as well as dissertation research. Note – double-think. Fractured/fragmented identities.

·        Existential Loneliness- past wounds and the yearning to connect with those around you but never fully being able to due to the limitations of our experience. We are forever locked within our own head, our own body. We can only truly know how it feels to live within ourselves, never truly seeing through another’s eyes. There’s a deep pain in this understanding. “an intolerable emptiness, sadness, and longing that results from the awareness of one’s fundamental separateness as a human being” Ettema et al.,2010, p. 142 (Found in: Social, Emotional, and Existential Loneliness: A Test of the Multidimensional Concept – Theo G Van Tilburg – The Gerontologist, Volume 61, Issue 7, October 2021, Pages e335-e344) – The loneliest whale and the importance of being recognised? Solipsism in Philosophy. The idea that despite being unable to experience anything outside of our own minds and the isolation felt in this, we all share this experience in common. The concept of ships passing in the night or objects interacting but never truly touching each other – link to the idea of physically being unable to due to the space between particles? Experiencing the sensation of something but never being truly able to touch it? – Influential video to go through in greater detail – Loneliness, Emptiness, Anxiety in Modern Society – Externalised.

·        Rollo May – Man’s search for himself

·        A gift given to the protagonist by another character of a disco ball. Being told it is a representation of them. The protagonist is pleased, asking why the character thinks this object is like them and the character explains that it is because they are nothing but a series of reflections (Work out a way to word this in a more meaningful manner – it’s a disturbing concept). The protagonist pauses before responding– there’s something wrong with you. The next shot showing the disco ball spinning and refracting the light. An attempt at reflecting the bittersweet duality of the horror and beauty in the experiencing being alive.

·        Important – protagonist is fundamentally an idiot 😊

·        Scene is set with protagonist and another character, perhaps the same one who gave them the disco ball – sock puppet is playing therapist here and briefly explains they are going to be using a Rorschach test in order to gain information about the character and protagonist’s mental state (note to self: research into the Rorschach test and it’s history)– at this point the protagonist has stopped questioning the existence of the other characters, seeing this additional inanimate object as a fellow person having difficulties– tone is serious and sock puppet is cast as trying their best to help as the protagonist repeatedly begins to question their mental state. The sock puppet holds up the test to reveal an ink blotch in the shape of a dick to the protagonists bemused and irritated stare. The other character with them begins describing a deep realisation regarding themselves and their understanding of the world, the protagonist and sock puppet both seeming transfixed by this raw and emotional revelation being shared. The tension is broken as the character finishes their explanation and the protagonist looks at them in silence for a moment before replying in an incredulous tone. Are you serious? – sock puppet drops test in shock at this insensitive reaction- That’s a picture of a di  –  (Cut off by start of new scene preferably something horrifying and unnerving- such as the front door being shown with the only thing seen through the windows being the colour of the bedroom wall as the protagonist’s mind shuts itself off from the world)

·        Sock Puppet’s name is sock – none of the other sock puppets have names and are treated simply as Sock’s many family members.

·        A creature who brings dreams. The protagonist dreaming of a reality where they’re speaking to people, but no one can hear them, the realisation that they can’t be seen and aren’t able to communicate with the people around them- rising panic. Protagonist wakes terrified before noticing the creature lurking and tells it to fuck off before throwing something at it.

·        Repeating motifs suggesting impending doom and the threat of fire – gas left on etc

·        I’d rather see you pushing a pram than pushing up daisies? (mum)

·        Clay face- trying to arrange your image in the mirror to something that looks correct – being unable to recognise yourself or remember what you look like.

·        Doing things the hard way, taking the long route, inelegant solutions and a protagonist who is ill equipped to deal with the concepts behind the situation in which they find themselves. A note on a focus on literalism akin to over explaining a joke. A struggle with subtlety linked to being someone who finds complexity difficult to grasp. Childish, bumbling approaches to difficult topics. Beating the audience over the head with concepts, ideas and philosophy the protagonist is unable to fully understand or comprehend. The experience of complex emotions through the eyes of an idiot. Someone who brings up the obvious as if they are profound revelations. A perpetual state of bafflement at life and an inability to hold concepts that others interpret with ease. My point being that this project is approaching sensitive materials with all the grace of insert an ungraceful and ham-fisted analogy here. Creating hot garbage in the most earnest manner. The concept of ‘outsider art’ (although I must admit I have a great hatred of this term) and the conclusions and false assumptions made by children when faced with a complex idea that they cannot truly comprehend. Interpreting the world around them with a naivety that leads to senseless conceptualisations. Lacking greater context and knowledge and therefore having to use what little information they have to make up a picture of what might be happening. i.e. Mummy and daddy were wrestling. Perhaps finding a reddit thread or something similar discussing examples of incorrect and most likely unwittingly hilarious interpretations of events and scenarios for children. How to acknowledge this deficiency in the protagonist? Also in light of this note, critically re-examining your work and ideas with this unfortunate reliance on literalism and lack of comprehension in mind. Perhaps at the heart of this, once more is a failure to communicate. This reminds me of how complex and nuanced experiences can be reduced to images that seem to resonate with viewers but lack substance and fail to express any real insight or meaning. An example that comes to mind being an image that has been recreated time and time again in relation to anorexia. The visual of a slim person viewing themselves as being larger in the mirror. A motif that is continuously used to represent the illness despite heavy criticism regarding it’s over-simplistic nature misrepresenting reports of the lived experiences of those with anorexia to the point of being akin to Hito Steyerl’s ‘Spam’. Relation here potentially to the romanticisation of mental illness and the watering down of unpleasant realities to make them more socially ‘palatable’ in a way that negates and invalidates the lived experiences of those it attempts to represent.

·        Surrealist humour and the experience of being ‘chronically alive’. Incongruity. The empty comfort of meaningless platitudes. Bo Burnhams Hashtag Deep?

I think it would be interesting to play with the depiction of space, time and direction in the portrayal of the environment on camera. By having the layout and items within the room disappearing or shifting position continuously, having the camera angled from positions that distort the space or using post effects such as flipping the image or applying subtle warping effects. I would like, potentially, to explore the idea of feeling unable to trust your own experience and perception. Perhaps having other characters or outside voices disagreeing with the experiences of the protagonist being displayed or shifting the portrayal on screen to show the protagonist and the environment from differing representations in an othering lens. For example, during a conversation with a mother figure, having the presentation of the protagonist becoming more childlike or uncertain and in need of support. In this way I’m hoping to show the questioning of yourself and the disparity in how you might revaluate and view yourself as a person when confronted with understandings and opinions of yourself from the wider world that conflict with your own self-image. Showing a switch physically and spatially in the character as they hear the way in which another individual perceives and categorizes them and how this can be internalised. I want to generate an air of constant uncertainty and distrust for what’s being shown on screen. For myself, especially as a child, I felt like I was holding many different and sometimes conflicting self-concepts. I was constantly analysing my actions for any way they could be misinterpreted or misunderstood. There were layers to the expectations for how to act and behave to portray categories and identities that had been placed on me correctly. I think having the character themselves lacking knowledge and important information about themselves while hinting the people around the posses this information could potentially be another direction in which to explore this.

What symbolism am I interested in?

–        The concept of innocence and fragility compared with the idea of the predator. Someone dangerous or harmful to those around them. I think it could be interesting to use the notes taken about me by doctors when I’ve been assessed in the past. There’s a memory that sticks with me after speaking to someone in hospital after treatment for self-harm. They asked me about what family I had and when I mentioned my younger brothers, they asked me if I would ever hurt them. Due to the fact I’d done something like that to myself the risk I posed to the people around me was gauged. When my mother and brothers’ father were in court over custody. My influence on him was discussed. When I went through puberty and experienced sexual thoughts for the first time, I worried whether feeling that way about others would hurt or corrupt them in some way. I’ve experienced recurring fear and anxiety over whether my existence was more harmful then beneficial to the people I loved.

I think at its heart this is a project about striving for acceptance and understanding yourself and your place within society and the absurd nature of this. I want to look at how we interact with outside influences within ourselves. The antagonist I have in mind in this scenario is ‘the nothing’ as named currently. The concept of having no memory, identity or recognition, of losing yourself completely as a person. In some ways I feel it also represents the option of suicide and opting out of the world as well as the unknown. I want to incorporate this idea of ‘the nothing’ into the world through advertising, leaflets through the door and audio interruptions. For me personally the nothing alludes to a declining mental state to the point of failing to function or interact with the world. It’s intrusion and incursion on life is tied with mental struggles and as the character worsens, the presence of ‘the nothing’ being referenced or depicted becomes more substantial.

I think having the character start with a confidence about who they are as a person and having that degrade and become uncertain over time but in tandem with that becoming more honest in their interactions might be a nice way to do this. For example, with the time and space in this universe being distorted but the protagonist not questioning or acknowledging this. Looking at a clock that tells no time but announcing the time as if obvious despite this. Denial and struggling to engage with the absurdity surrounding them contributing to their worsening mental state until they begin to question and confront it.

I have quite a playful, comforting tone in mind to contrast with the absurdity and horror elements of the characters experience. Having the speaking objects in their world appearing friendly and childish despite some of the topics they bring up. A more comedic nature of coping with what’s happening to display the characters inability to face these concepts and ideas head on. Surrounding them with whimsical elements of the world to show their retreat from reality and attempts to make light of things. In my imagining currently, sock puppets play a key role. Having the feeling of being under threat where the danger is coming from objects and characters that seem goofy and fun in appearance- reflecting the protagonists own conflicting views of themselves. ‘The nothing’ especially I want to portray as a non-threat in the media and messaging of this world. Something that can be held at bay by positivity and helpful self-care tips as an allegory for the way depression and mental health can sometimes be treated. Yet, I want to make the protagonists experience of this threat to be as something that will undo them completely if they are unable to escape it. I think perhaps having routines and rituals that must be observed to avoid ‘the nothing’ and having the protagonist struggle more and more with these could help illustrate their difficulty with looking after themselves and becoming overwhelmed – leading to more and more interference of this ‘nothing’ in their life in detrimental ways.

As the room become messier, more distorted and disorganised there are more characters (from this mess as there are more objects lying around) for the protagonist to interact with. Therefore, there is more self-questioning and self-doubt brought about by these interactions and they become more and more of a negative influence, thwarting the protagonists attempts to keep themselves together, retain the playful and falsely positive tone and block out the threat caused by ‘the nothing’s’ presence. It could be interesting to have them become stronger and more independent over time concurrently. Initially having them shown as being controlled by the protagonist giving them voices and making them move when talking to themselves to gaining features such as faces, personalities and the ability to move on their own as the character loses confidence and grasp on their sense of self.

I don’t have any intention of fully resolving the threat of ‘the nothing’ or any of the difficulties the character faces fully, instead having it be something that persists along with them that they could fall back into again.

“Stephen King once wrote that ‘Nightmares exist outside of logic, and there’s little fun to be had in explanations; they’re antithetical to the poetry of fear.’ In a horror story, the victim keeps asking ‘Why?’ But there can be no explanation, and there shouldn’t be one. The unanswered mystery is what stays with us the longest, and it’s what we’ll remember in the end.”

— Alan Wake, “Nightmare”

Researching horror movie tropes and ideas from these:

Notes from – [https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HorrorTropes](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/HorrorTropes)

–        Unreliable Narrator?

–        Nothing is scarier (‘the nothing’) – having the nature of it be deliberately unclear- suggesting something is there when it isn’t.

–        Leave the camera running.

–        Mind screw – the world here isn’t supposed to make sense

–        And I must scream

–        The Un-reveal – for ‘the nothing’? – not actually giving a it a name – having warnings about it from others about to name or explain it being repeatedly cut off.

–        Sugar apocalypse

–        Subverted innocence

–        Injury tropes

–        Cut Himself Shaving: A wound is explained in a ridiculous way that’s often a lie.

–        I’m Having Soul Pains: Someone gets hurt in a place that shouldn’t be hurt, either a body part that doesn’t feel pain (like his hair) or some part that’s not a body part (like his soul).

–        Attack of the Killer Whatever: Something that would not usually be dangerous becomes a monster.

What are the objects that are the most significant to me?

·        Tweezers and any object used for skin picking

·        Face products and money wasted on unused creams, washes and beauty items – what these mean to me – what am I trying to achieve by purchasing them and what does them going unused signify?

·        Pills, medications, vapes, caffeine etc – what I’m hoping to gain from them, comfort, dependence, control, self-destruction on my own terms, health etc

·        Soft toys, blankets, safety items, why I still have them, when are they from, why did I start collecting these sorts of objects in the first place

·        Phone, laptop, internet etc

·        The trusty random bag of objects all shoved in together, the significance of a ‘stuff draw’ overwhelming your entire space

·        House hold appliances and rituals, tea, the constant striving for calm and the failure to find it

Interest/starting points

·        A focus on empty rituals and cyclical behaviours’ – having the idea of cycles being a dominant one – looking for answers in the wrong places

·        For interactions with the outside world – exploring non-spaces as settings – social expectations as an allegory for the non-space? Fulfilling a use but not an place for people themselves to exist within- hostile identity constructions  

NOTES FROM EQUIPTMENT HIRE ON WHAT CAMERA ETC TO TAKE OUT FOR PROJECT 😊

·        Canon 250d – comes with 64G SD card so don’t need to purchase a new one – can transfer files over to hard drive – has HD and 4K film – can toggle between photo taking and film using switch on top – tripod screws straight into bottom.

·        Rode camera top microphone – screws right into top of camera – wire connects into camera through audio jack on the side – switch microphone on before using of course.

·        Comes with battery charger, info manual etc.

·        For tripod- small central tripod should work well – or maybe medium depending on if you want it to be at head hight.

·        Complete risk assessments and request