Critical Rational
Within ‘The Myth of Sisyphus’, Albert Camus evokes the image of Sisyphus’ eternal futile quest to push a boulder to the top of a mountain, only to have it continuously roll back down as an allegory for the human existence and the struggle and absurdity of living.
Camus’s philosophy speaks to me through his discussions of potential suicidality in the face of the meaninglessness of existence and the illogical nature of the world surrounding us. Through framing suicide, not as an unthinkable act but as a very real response to the difficulties of existence itself and the perception of this seemingly eternally futile struggle with life as essentially pointless.
His statement in response to this bleak sentiment, however, is far from one of despondency and acceptance, instead championing the active and continuous choice to continue living in defiance of total despair; ‘to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.’
For all of us in one way or another, life has the ability to bring about such moments of anguish and emotion that it can seem as if we are holding on to our very sense of being by our fingertips. Feeling so complete in the embodiment of its experience that we can conceive of no existence outside of it. Life with the power to render us undone. Existence as a rollercoaster that can test the extent of your limits to the point that you want nothing more than for it all to stop, to leave the ride at any cost… and holding on tighter.
I’ve found inspiration for this project through ‘sick woman theory’, taking ownership of the monsters we fear ourselves to be, the concept of ‘leaving evidence’ as a way to make ourselves visible to those with shared experiences as a way challenge stigma and isolation. Through art pieces such as ‘Everywhere at the end of time’ and their haunting and moving attempts to capture the loss, confusion and fragmentation of Dementia.
From Mia Mingus’s blog titled ‘Leaving Evidence’ in relation her message ‘ We must leave evidence. That we were here, that we existed, that we survived and loved and ached. Evidence of the wholeness we never felt and the immense sense of fullness we gave to each other. Evidence of who we were, who we thought we were, who we never should have been. Evidence to each other that there are other ways to live—past survival; past isolation.’
My interest and passion for this project stems from my own continuous struggles with mental health, identity and disconnection with reality. On growing up with undiagnosed ADHD and still carrying the deep shame, confusion and anguished frustration of my younger self with me. Of being a thirteen year old girl terrified of expressing my own sexuality for fear it was somehow wrong or perverted, fear my interest or romantic affection would hurt those around me, that I was monstrous. On witnessing the effects of psychological and physical abuse toward my mother and being powerless to help, unable to make my voice heard, to be believed. On depression and the way it’s effects pervade and taint every element of daily life. On being prescribed a mealy of medications attempting to treat the symptoms but not the cause and their side-effects. On a hatred of the appearance of my body so strong there are times it is completely incapacitating. On a list that could go on and on, of elements of myself and my life experience that feel inescapable, shadowing me every day of my life. That I have spent so many years hiding from and denying as a part of myself.
And yet as dramatic as I’ve made it all sound my life is no different from any other. In fact, I’ve had an incredibly fortunate and privileged upbringing with many opportunities, support and a loving family. With this in mind, how many people hold lists inside them that they do not, perhaps feel they cannot speak of. Lists that are secret, lists that cause them immense harm and distress but by their unspoken nature go unseen. How many of us suffer in isolation.
I hope that through using this project to reveal and attempt to face the effects of my own list on my life. Of the experiences and emotions that at times feel impossible to bear, I can more towards a greater acceptance of the parts of myself that terrify and repulse me as well as my deepest, darkest hope that perhaps by laying myself and my neuroses out on the table, it might in some small way help to make others feel less alone.
CV
